Recently I found myself in a discussion (I wanted to say debate but we all agreed with one another) about how we should each be given the opportunity to pursue five different lives, as opposed to just the one.

I can honestly say I do enjoy studying. I love learning knew things and although the stress of assignments often makes me question my existence I love learning about the written language in such detail.

I love doing other things too. I love going out for lunch. I love cooking my raw lunches. I love practising yoga. I love getting lost in bookstores. I love buying flowers. I love driving to the ocean and just floating it it. I love the work I’m doing in fashion. I love looking at an entire landscape, but focussing on a small part in particular, just to truly appreciate how beautiful the world is.

And I wish I could do them all.

But as a student I can’t.

I feel, for me, that’s the hardest part about being a student. It’s not necessarily the late nights or the lack of money or the flatting nightmares. It’s knowing (somewhat) what I want to do and where I want to be but being so incapable of being able to actually go out there and do it.

The feeling of being lost is a pretty recurring theme in my personal posts, in every meaning of the word. For example, today I accidentally spent 45 minutes in a bookstore because I got extremely wrapped up in an Alexander McQueen essay. For example, I wander for hours with no idea how to get home. For example, I’m constantly on the verge of where I am so unsure about my degree.

There’s a lot of examples. And every one represents a different aspect of my life that I would love to be living and I find myself somewhat stuck in limbo between my five lives.

If I had to sum up how I would be feeling right now, I couldn’t even pinpoint that. It’s somewhere between a super smiley emoji and a big fat question mark.

I’m more confused about everything now than when I began writing this two hours ago.

What the fuck.



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